[ Mario kart with dirk ]

[zuipperpips]

[ look when your parents or possibly "parents" are way too rich for their own good you can afford to fly to see each other sometimes, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Roxy emerges from a pile of wizard cats with two games in her hand ]

Okay, Mario Kart or Donkey Kong?

Comments

tl;dr

[converselftions]

[ he's already taken the best seat you don't own him. ]

It all depends on how comfortable you are with each individual topic both games represent and the consequent arguments that will likely unfold between you and I because of them. Both games exhibit signs of animal cruelty and automotive inaccuracies, not to mention flaunting the obvious slaughter that goes on behind the scenes. The both of them form a parade of pulchritudinous sociological fuckups; have you ever stopped to consider where the turtles shells in Mario Kart came from? Perhaps instead of an endless quest to obtain more bananas for absolutely no reason there another agenda present in which Donkey Kong and his legion of mammalian followers have to deal with; let's consider that none of them are the adventuring type at all, but rather have been forced out of their home in search of food thanks to rampant deforestation occurring deep in the lush shithole in which they reside.

[zuipperpips]

[ um you are WRONG because the best seat is the pile of stuffed animals roxy is curled up in natch. ]

Holy shit, that is depressing. Fuck that noise, we're playing turtle murder. [ she blows into the cartridge before inserting it because yes they are playing on an N64 ]

[converselftions]

Wouldn't have it any other way.

[ fuck turtles man fuck turtles ]

[zuipperpips]

[ she claims princess peach at the character select screen before he can swipe it in one of his fits of irony ]

Hey, so, can we set up your glasses with P3 or what?

[converselftions]

[ GODDAmN IT he picks donkey kong because now that he's lost his home someone needs to put him to work and come on a monkey driving a car honestly ]

The answer depends on how eager you are to have him annihilate the both of us.

[zuipperpips]

[ CACKLES AS EVILY AS SHE CAN ]

You haven't seen me play! But sure, we can play juuuuust the two of us if that'd make you more comfortable.

[ WONK *wink ]

[converselftions]

You're underestimating what an AI can do when connected directly to a power source. You think all you're doing is challenging him to a race between man and beast then the next thing you know he's pulling up all your bad fanfiction and publishing it on the internet.

[zuipperpips]

Scuse you, all my fanfiction is ace. Ready?

[ she scrolls through and sets the course to random because come on she can take him on any level any level ]

Threee... twoo... Losertakespenaltyshotsgo! [ GAME START ]

[converselftions]

Yes, I've heard My Immortal has its own website. [ roxy you suck

ZZZZZZZZZZZZOOOM i dont remember how to play mario kart ]

[zuipperpips]

You can't prove that was me and you know it!

[ YOU STEER AROUND A TRACK AND YOU GET POWERUPS AND YOU SHOOT THEM AT PEOPLE and also you elbow your competition in the side when you're trying to pass them, this is truth, 100% of roxys agree and are happy to show you ]

[converselftions]

That wasn't a dig at you, I was admiring your vast empire.

[ oh that's how this is played?? let's see how well she can elbow him when she's getting a face full of his socked foot YEAH SUcK ON THAT ]

[zuipperpips]

That is so gross!!

[ EW SIXTEEN YEAR OLD BOY SOCK it should be classified as a biological weapon tbh. she throws her entire (not very substantial) body weight against him, she will PIN HIM DOWN AND WIN THROUGH shit she just drove off the track ]

[converselftions]

I was adamant in cranking my wardrobe from delightful to festering, just for this visit.

[ she can try to pin him all she wants he's still holding his controller away and driving YOUC AnT' WIN THIS ]

[zuipperpips]

You ass, I bet that is not in the least bit facetious. You prolly walked through every puddle in the country and stuck your gross damp feet in a doghouse, didn't you.

[ YES SHE CAN you don't understand by this point she is upside down sprawled half in his lap SHE'S STILL STEERING SHE WILL GO THE DISTANCE

SHE

WILL

yeah she's totally losing this round ]

[converselftions]

Took a clothed run through the offcuts section of the slaughterhouse just for your personal enjoyment.

[ ROXy YOU ARe WAY TOO CLOSE TO hIS DICK RN CEASE aND DESIST ]

[zuipperpips]

[ WELL GOD IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S JUST GOING TO START SUCKING IT THIS IS WAR THE LOCATION OF YOUR DICK IS IRRELEVANT

have a turtle shell right in the monkey you fucker ]

[converselftions]

[ DICKS ARE NeVER IRRELEVANT WHaT IS WRONG WITH You

drops fucking BANANANS oNTO THE TRAck YOU DOn"T OWN HIM ]

[zuipperpips]

[ NOPE NOPE NOPE she steers MASTERFULLY around them and CROSSES THE FINISH LINE YEAHHHHHH ]

Yesss! I just owned your ass. Gonna put a couple hotels on it, charge some sicknasty amounts of bucks, you're goin' straight to jail.

[converselftions]

[ nobody ever said monkeys were good at driving ok ]

Ass hotels, the most sought-after of real estate locations.

[zuipperpips]

Bounce a quarter off that baby, you know you wanna.

[ she rolls off his lap and reaches back to grope under her desk. (the desk now feels ruined for marriage and asks if the chair will mind if it's no longer pure.) she comes up with a half full bottle of vodka and a souvenir shot glass from British Columbia, probably appearified from Dad Crocker's fatherly drinks cabinet ]

Penaltyyyyyy!

[converselftions]

[ (the chair does mind and its fucking outta here.) he resists the urge to pull a face, holds his hand out for the glass. he's too proud to wuss out of this. ]

Bring it on.

[zuipperpips]

Consider it broughten!!

[ god that was such a good movie. Anyway she fills the shot glass about three quarters full before handing it over ]

[converselftions]

[ he downs it without a second thought.

and then promptly chokes because holy fuck ]

[zuipperpips]

[ she bursts into laughter and thumps his back ]

Burns, right? That's how you know it's good!

[converselftions]

[ he... recovers... slowly. ]

I always wanted to know what it would taste like to consume a volatile liquid derived from a campfire. Who the fuck stands up to excogitate a liquor that tastes like swallowing a match. Shit's fucked up.

[zuipperpips]

Don't be such a baby! Or do you want me to mix you some girly pink thing with an umbrella next time? [ she's still giggling as she picks the controller back up ]

[converselftions]

We don't all crack into the hard liqueur, Rox. Some of us ain't privy to flaunting the status of our livers that radiate in a pitch perfect facsimile of health while disintegrating slowly from the inside out.

[ he's determined to win this time, twisting the controller in his hands as he waits for the race to begin. the sad thing about being a robotic genius is that it doesn't translate to mario kart. a fact that he curses every day of his life. ]

[zuipperpips]

Well fuck me, that is a pretty unsexy high horse you're ridin in on. I bet my liver could take yours in a fight!

[ She selects the course and goooooooo! She's gonna go easy on him this time though, because she loves da alkie ]

[converselftions]

There's nothing unsexy about a well groomed stallion.

[ why the fuck would you bring up horses roxy why the fuck. ]

[zuipperpips]

I've got a totally bitchin' idea, how about we don't talk about horse dicks?

[ she made a horrible mistake that's why ]

[converselftions]

We both know it was your subconscious desire that yearned for them to be brought up. I didn't mention horse dicks.

[ yeah well eat his monkey dust PCHOOoooOo ]

[zuipperpips]

Whaaaaaatever! [ she'd do the whatever fingers but she's kind of busy KICKIN UR ASS no she's not she's falling behind because she's distracted by horses now ]

[converselftions]

[ meanwhile he is doing EXCELLENTLY due to being immune to horse charms and also not wanting to take another shot. ]

You're thinking about them now, aren't you?

[zuipperpips]

Fuck yeah I'm thinking about them. Shit's retarded as all fuck.

[converselftions]

Can't imagine it's the first time you've gotten distracted thinking about impressive phalluses.

[ says the guy playing the monkey driving the car as he pulls across the finish line YEAH!!!! ]

[zuipperpips]

Well look at the pot calling the kettle horny. Also I totes let you win.

[ pours shot knocks back no biggie punches air just for kicks?? ]

[converselftions]

[ he probably shouldn't be impressed by how easily she downs her shots but he is because that shit burns ]

Concocting nefarious plans to get your hands on alcoholic substances? So unlike you.

[zuipperpips]

I am just really fuckin' unpredictable like that. [ holds up hand for high five YEEEEAH ALCOHOL ]

[converselftions]

[ leaves her hanging hahahaha ]

Not even Sherlock himself could get a read on you.

[zuipperpips]

[ rude??? she grabs one of his hands to make him high five her ]